You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
