So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
