Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize