I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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