I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
