You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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