god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You're like the curious george of whores
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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