mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
