omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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