Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
