while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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