Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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