you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
