hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.