The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
