I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
