mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
