I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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