i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
