just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
