I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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