My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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