I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
