In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
