i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
