did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
