i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize