he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
