Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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