Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
