I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
