im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
