I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
