How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
