Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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