I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
