when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
