I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
