Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
