I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
even my farts smell like vagina
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
