dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
