No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
