i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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