4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
