I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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