How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
