OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
