it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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