Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
