there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
