Nicole vs. Life
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
