when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
