It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
