it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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