I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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