I just cut my nipple shaving
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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