Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
